World Weaving - Setting - Fantasy Comedy Genre

Sometimes it is amusing to consider how monsters in the "real world" would operate.  Here's a comical rendition of some of my own thoughts for Elthos...

Do Orcs really spend 100% of their time prowling the corridors in search of Player Characters to be defeated by like a bunch of automatons? No, Orcs have lives of their own and tasks and objectives, fears and desires as do all creatures. How do Orcs function? What else would these rough and brutal creatures do with their time? Well they still have to move goods and food around. They have to carry their treasures from here to there when necessary. They need provisions for food, clothing and shelter, and they need weapons and armor. They also build Castles and Dungeons, which requires planning and more movement of equipment and goods. In other words, at some level, they must function as a Society, and therefore they must conduct Business! And so lets think about that. What is the life of the average Business Orc actually like, anyway? Well, I drummed up these basic business Challenges for our poor brutalitarian Business Orcs:

• Bad Data & Bad Systems Management (they do NOT even have index card catalog files)
• Persistent Inclination to Offload Work to Others (while they get drunk and go gambling)
• Mayhem in Logistics with lots of Lost & Stolen Goods
• Heavy Binge Drinking Before, After and During Important Conferences
• Murder of Opponents Before, After and During Negotiations (Poisonings & Open Combat)
• Open Warfare between Business Competitors & Rivals

So when going to The Big Meeting, Business Orcs, in order for things to go smoothly, require Leadership. Ye Old Cave Troll CEO can be seen as the ultimate Capitalist. Ruthless, brutal, and to the point. When the hulking reptilian gorilla creature at the head of the table is the CEO things Get Done. The CEO has been known to crush more than a few skulls when Orc Business Partners start killing each other at the negotiation table and creating havoc at The Big Meeting. So our Business Orc "thinks" twice, and waits for later. Its better.

And for our CEO, life is pretty good, actually. A constant supply of food and goods, a big treasure horde, lots of slaves, and whenever a bug crawls up his butt (literally) he runs around roaring and smashing the little runty dudes and eating them. Fun! Its good to be CEO, as they say.

And so the dungeon (and Orcish Society generally) functions, so to say, but in a brutal lilting mostly-broken sort of way that makes life rather rough and tumble for them. It's a dirty, mean, brutish life with lots of tricks and traps for the slightly less than vigilant. Yet, its fair to ask, do the Orcs bother themselves much when one of their team members falls prey to the Spider Trap or falls into the Dark Well of the Ravenous Slime Spirit? No, no, instead there is great mirth and laughter and they go off to have another goblet of Orc-Grog. Oh yes, that's right - plenty of Black-Grog and Blood-Wine to go around! Very important. You heard of the famous "Three Martini Lunch" - well consider that Orc Style and you have a picture of the Executive Suite of the Dungeon...

Grognorikar: "Would you care for a Bloody Mary, Throkgnar?"

Throkgnar: "Well, Grognorikar, you know I never drink before Business! MWHAHAHAR!"

Grognorikar: "MWHAHAHAR!" Business!!!  MWWAAARHHHHRAAARRRRRHARRR!

Throkgnar & Grognorikar: *GUZZLE*GUZZLE*GUZZLE* *CHOMP*CHOMP*CHOMP* *GUZZLE*GUZZLE*GUZZLE* *GUZZLE*GUZZLE*GUZZLE* *CHOMP*CHOMP*CHOMP* *GUZZLE*GUZZLE*GUZZLE*!!

Grognorikar: "MWAHAHAHAR! Bring on the Dancing Slaves!"

Throkgnar: "YES! The Dancing Slaves!! MWAHAHAHAR!" *GUZZLE*GUZZLE*GUZZLE* *CHOMP*CHOMP*CHOMP*

Grognorikar:  "Did someone just knock at the front door?"

Player Character Adventure Group:  "Chaarrrrge!"

Bam!  KaPow!  Wham!